Sing All Funny Jokes

by Carrie Dahlby

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    The 3rd studio album by Carrie Dahlby is chock full of songs she's posted at the Funny Music Project website (TheFuMP.com) from 2009 to 2014. The album features appearances and/or collaborations by the great Luke Ski, Devo Spice, Flat 29, Earl 'Wyngarde' Luckes, Cirque du So What?, TV's Kyle, Power Salad, Worm Quartet, and introducing her son, Alex. With Dr. Demento Show hits like "Twitter Tweetin'", "Pregnancy Is Strange", and "Almost Parent Time", "Sing All Funny Jokes" is the best Carrie Dahlby album released in the past 5 years.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Sing All Funny Jokes via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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about

The 3rd studio album by Carrie Dahlby is chock full of songs she's posted at the Funny Music Project website (TheFuMP.com) from 2009 to 2014. The album features appearances and/or collaborations by the great Luke Ski, Devo Spice, Flat 29, Earl 'Wyngarde' Luckes, Cirque du So What?, TV's Kyle, Power Salad, Worm Quartet, and introducing her son, Alex. With Dr. Demento Show hits like "Twitter Tweetin'", "Pregnancy Is Strange", and "Almost Parent Time", "Sing All Funny Jokes" is the best Carrie Dahlby album released in the past 5 years.

credits

released June 20, 2014

tags

tags: comedy Chicago

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about

Carrie Dahlby Chicago, Illinois

Carrie Dahlby made her first contributions to the world of comedy music on the albums of 'the great Luke Ski'. Later she made appearances in the songs of Sudden Death, Possible Oscar, and many more acts from TheFuMP.com. Her debut funny music CD "Happy Ranch" was released in 2007, her 2nd CD "Giant Kitten" was released in 2009, and her 3rd and latest CD "Sing All Funny Jokes" was released in 2014. ... more

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Track Name: Twitter Tweetin'
"Twitter Tweetin'"" by Carrie Dahlby (2010)
A parody of "Rockin' Robin" by Bobby Day, about Twitter
Parody song lyrics by Carrie Dahlby, Tweets written by guest performers
(c) 2010 Carrie Dahlby


Twitter twitter tweet, twitter twitter tweet
Twitter twitter tweet, twitter twitter tweet
Twitter twitter tweet, twitter twitter tweet
Tweet tweet, re-tweet

I type with my thumbs now, all the day long
Gems that are One hundred forty Characters long
I put 'em up on Twitter for all the world to see
No matter what I'm up to, it deserves a tweet

Twitter tweetin' (tweet tweet tweet)
Twitter tweetin' (tweet, re-tweet)
Oh, twitter followers are really gonna tweet tonight (tweet, re-tweet)

It's blatant self-promotion for all celebrities
Britney and Kanye lead the "Twitterati"
Ashton and Demi, Justin Bieber too
Flapping them thumbs sayin' what they're up to

Twitter tweetin' (tweet tweet tweet)
Twitter tweetin' (tweet, re-tweet)
C'mon, demented tweeters and help me out on this bridge! (tweet, re-tweet)

(All real tweets!)

@carriedahlby Just passed a store called "Novelties & Things" which would've been more accurately named "Bongs & More Bongs".

@thegreatlukeski Next sci-fi con I go to, I'll dress up as a hobbit who's a classic Star Trek engineer AND basketball star! My name badge will read "Scotty Pippin".

@budsharpe Why is "chores" only one letter removed from "whores"? Buyer beware: you may not be doing that which you intended.

@Alchav I'm not sure why there are dryer sheets in the car... but they sure are suddenly convenient.

@filkertom You'd think all the "You have won millions in a lottery" spam would make it more bearable to receive all the "You have a small penis" spam.

@insaneianb Emo cop says: "Stop, or I'll shoot myself!"

@carlaulbrich Has anyone else noticed that you can sing "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" to the tune of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"? Just me?

@chriswaffle I just peed in a waterfall at the Madonna Inn!

@devospice Turns out super glue bonds instantly to skin, but doesn't bond to anything you actually want it to bond to.

@dark_NES I bet I could get a job at the circus as the man who turns beer into farts! 'Sup ladies?

@MaxDeGroot How can I tell Pandora that Holst's "Planets" is NOT similar to "The Stars and Stripes Forever"? I've run out of thumbs downs!

@seamonkeymusic CAW! CAW! Get it? I tweeted... Caw caw... Because it's like a bird... Aw, nevermind.

@kobi_lacroix Potato chips are known better by that name than by their alternate name: paper cut locators. #OW

@Positude Recording a tweet for @carriedahlby. Not sure which tweet. What about this one? Does this one work?

@ToasterBoy Was in a store and a mom was calling for her son, who wandered off. "Marco!" I was SO tempted.

@flat29 These days I'm married to my job... but I'm having a secret affair with my spare time!

@RichJamesGreen If you stand equi-distant from a Kylie Monogue concert and a Jason Donovan concert, it sounds like "Especially For You".

Reply at @RichJamesGreen Hey, what did you have for supper?

@RichJamesGreen Cheese sandwich!

Micro-blogging has the civ'lization all shook
Socialize or write the world's shortest book
Win an iPad or make a spammee sale
But only System Admins beat the Fail Whale!

The cute Twitter bluebird helps me feel good
Tweetin' more TMI than anyone should
If you say I'm shallow I'll give you a swat
Heaven forbid if you call me a TWIT!

Twitter tweetin' (S...M....S)
Twitter tweetin' (or ... Web based)
Oh, my awesome twitter gonna kick Facebook's ASS tonight!
Tweet, tweet, re-tweet
Twitter twitter tweet, twitter twitter tweet
Twitter twitter tweet, twitter twitter tweet
Twitter twitter tweet, twitter twitter tweet
Tweet tweet, re-tweet
Track Name: Carrie Dahlby, featuring the great Luke Ski, Worm Quartet, Power Salad, Devo Spice, & Wyngarde - Wreckin' By The Book (The Cake Wrecks Song)
Wreckin' By The Book (The Cake Wrecks Song) – by Carrie Dahlby
A parody of "Cooking By The Book" by Lazy Town (with Li'l Jon mash-up as seen on YouTube),
about Cake Wrecks dot com, the web blog devoted to professional cakes gone hilariously wrong, created by Jen Yates
Written by Carrie Dahlby, rap lyrics by the great Luke Ski
Performed by Carrie Dahlby, with special appearances by the great Luke Ski,
Devo Spice, ShoEboX of Worm Quartet, Chris Mezzolesta of Power Salad, and Wyngarde of the Nick Atoms.
Music & Engineering by Chris Mezzolesta


ShoEboX:
I pile on the frosting
In green and fuchsia lumps
This work is so exhausting
That my spelling talent slumps

Chris Mezzolesta:
I'll wish you "heppy bertty"
Or "Happy Hallydays"
Or "Happy Falker Satherhood"
For this year's Father's Day...

Carrie:
It's a piece of cake to make a wrecky cake
Just be a little lazy
Don't gotta do the cooking by the book
Just make it weird and crazy
Never use a classy recipe
Just gob on frosting daisies
If you throw away your cooking book, then you'll wreck a cake
We've got our Cake Wreck made
Our Carrot Jockeys cake
Finally it's time to wreck a cake

Devo Spice:
Wrecking cakes has its own science
Quotation marks abound
Decorate with raw defiance
Making chocolate fecal mounds

Wyngarde:
Don't tell me "I want sprinkles"
If that is what you want
I'll squeeze out "I want sprinkles"
In a pretty frosting font

Carrie:
It's a piece of cake to make a wrecky cake
Cake wrecks dot com will tell you
You also gotta buy her funny book
That Amazon will sell you
You do not hafta be the "Ace of Cakes"
Just make a fondant fish stew
If you do the wreckin' by the book, then you'll wreck a cake
On Superbowl Sunday
We'll make a wrecky cake
Finally it's time to wreck a cake
And on our wedding day
We'll make a wrecky cake
Finally it's time to wreck a --

Luke Ski:
Break it down, Jen! Show all bakeries why
They should have a spelling test before hiring some guy!
Grab some cupcakes, slather icing inch high,
Make a Curious George that'll make a kid cry!
That pink tarantula? That's a cake wreck!
That daffodil pony? That's a cake wreck!
That flaming armadillo? That's a cake wreck!
That groom's slab of beef? That's a cake wreck!

Carrie: Luke Ski:
It's a piece of cake to make a wrecky cake What!?
Just be a little lazy Okay!
Don't gotta do the cooking by the book What!?
Just make it weird and crazy Yeah!
Never use a classy recipe Cake!?
Just gob on frosting daisies Wreck!
If you throw away your cooking book Yeah!
Then you'll wreck a cake

Luke Ski:
Cake wrecks dot blogspot dot com
Has the cakes that are the bomb!
Army men like Vietnam?
Made by pros, not by your Mom!
Naked Mohawk baby carrot jockeys rule the world
In a vortex of doom, trapped inside a puce swirl!
It makes your head spin, like you're on a Tilt-A-Whirl!
I saw Darth Vader with a baby, "It's A Girl!"

Carrie:
You gotta do the wreckin' by the book! Cake!

Luke:
Yeah!!!
Track Name: Cirque du So What? & Carrie Dahlby - Staying Fat
Staying Fat
Written by Carrie Dahlby and the great Luke Ski

Bob: Hey, Susan. I know you’re pro-dieter by now, so I need some dieting advice. What can I do to lose all this weight? What I’m doing now isn’t working.

Susan: I swear by Jenny Craig! But I’ve put most of the weight back on now. What have you been trying?

Bob: Good old fashioned calorie counting is it. Say, David, what dieting methods have you tried?

David: Huh, Atkins, Weight Watchers, South Beach... I’ve tried them all! Nothing’s worked. I wish there was a better way.

[music begins]

Mystery woman: Fear not! I have the perfect new solution for all of you!

Bob, Susan and David: What is it?!?!?!?

Mystery woman: It’s a revolutionary new method called Staying Fat!

David: Staying Fat?!?!?

Mystery woman: Staying Fat is a low-impact, high-calorie lifestyle system!

Susan: But how does it work?!?

Mystery woman: You don’t need exercise, and you don’t need to buy an all new wardrobe. In fact, you can eat all the foods you want, as much as you want, while still Staying Fat!

David: That sounds too good to be true! What’s the catch?

Mystery woman: Only the catch of the day at Red Lobster!

ALL: (*hearty, fakey laughter*)

Mystery woman: Yes, this simple, user-friendly method fits into anyone’s schedule! In fact, unlike most diets, Staying Fat succeeds 95% of the time!

Bob: What other advantages are there to “Staying Fat”?

Mystery Woman: With Staying Fat, you get: -- more TV watching time, -- extended internet access hours, -- you’ll be easier to find in a crowd, -- you’ll get extra room on the bus because people won’t want to sit next to you, -- nobody will ask you to help them move, -- you’ll be harder to kidnap, -- you’ll get more surface area for all you tattoo enthusiasts, -- and women’s breasts will stay nice and big, as will the men’s!

Susan: Wait a minute! This is one of those plans where you have to buy only certain expensive foods, isn’t it?!?

Mystery Woman: (laughts) To the contrary, Staying Fat’s menu is limitless! Just listen to some of our recommended food items:

Voice-Over Guy: Chicken fried bacon, bacon fried chicken, fried chicken bacon, fried bacon chicken, chocolate covered pork rinds, nacho cheese cupcakes, french fry flavored potato chips, battered deep fried steak, a gallon of ice cream AND a stick of butter, frosty pickle malts, fruits or vegetables encased in a block of caramel or cheese, a pony, and a 32 gallon drum of God damn CHILI!

Morbidly Obese Guy: *hurrrg* I want a pony! *hurrrg!*

David: Wow!

Susan: That’s amazing!

Bob: How do I sign up?

Voice-Over Guy: To sign up, just send 13 easy payments of $42.27 to Staying Fat, 239 Taft Avenue, Sheboygan, Wisconsin, 53147. Or, set up automated payments at our website, www.gravitationalpull.com!

Mystery Woman: Be sure to sign up on our mailing list so you can get in on the ground floor for our next level, in development: “Getting Fatter”!

Morbidly Obese Guy: Gotta sign up for the email... Whaa! (*thump*)

Voice-Over Guy: Staying Fat, Incorporated, is not responsible for heart attacks, diabetes, strokes, death, the accidental trampling of pets, or anything else that happens anytime anywhere ever. Offer void in Ethiopia. (*burrrp!*)
Track Name: Flat 29, the great Luke Ski, & Carrie Dahlby - Sneaking Snacks Into The Cinema
Sneaking Snacks Into The Cinema
An original rap song about sneaking food into movie theatres.
Written by Daniel P. of Flat 29, the great Luke Ski & Carrie Dahlby

VERSE 1:
DAN: There's nothing on the radio or on the T.V.,
So I'm going to the cinema to catch a movie
Starring Pitt and Clooney as handsome spies,
With Angelina Jolie and a load of other guys.
Called up to see how much the tickets would be.
I got in free by pretending to be an O.A.P..
When I got there I was feeling hungry like Pac-Man,
So I made a beeline for the snack stand.
CARRIE: Good afternoon I really hope you are enjoying your stay.
My name is Carrie. Can I get you any snacks today?
DAN: I'll have some popcorn in a tub so big you need a ladder,
A bucket of Coke double the size of my bladder,
And this bag of pick-and-mix that I filled with Jelly Snakes.
CARRIE: Anything else? DAN: Yeah, and have one for yourself.
I'm feeling pretty generous. So how much'll it be?
CARRIE: Well sir, that comes to $48.50.
(ALL: NOOOO!!!) DAN: WHAT? There's no way I can afford it.
And if I would have thought it, I never would have bought it.
Better cancel everything I've got so far.
Well, I think I left my money in the car. (SFX: car door shuts, drives away)
LUKE: Everything I do in life, and I don't mean to be crude,
Comes down to practicality, sex, entertainment, and food.
And to me, the last two, they go hand in hand,
So at the movies I attack the frakkin' snack stand!
I order items off the menu in a kind of a blur
'Til I black out and then wake up and then find out what they were.
CARRIE: For the large pretzel bites in Wisconsin cheese,
Take this saw and hand over an arm and a leg, please.
LUKE: Soon I starting to get worried about going into debt.
CARRIE: The Whoppers cost a testicle. LUKE: Which, the right? CARRIE: No, the left.
And if you want the crunchy Nachos, either spicy or mild,
then simply hand over your family's first born male child.
LUKE: What the Hell? I just came here to watch a cartoon mouse!
I shouldn't have to go and get a second mortgage on my house!
I'll surely miss the movie if the usher kicks my tail out,
So I asked Barack Obama for a federal bail-out.
(ALL: NOOOO!!!) DAN: Hey Luke Ski, this is daylight robbery!
LUKE: Seriously! This is no way to run A.M.C.!
So Dan, my man, here's the plan, voila!
We're gonna start – DAN & LUKE: sneaking snacks into the cinema!

CHORUS 1: (CARRIE AND RICH:)
When I want snacks at the movies,
I won't pay their extravagant fees.
Just can't afford it.
I'm being extorted.
I'll commit to a life of crime,
Buy a Twix at the five-and-dime,
And I'll be sneaking snacks into the cinema.

VERSE 2:
LUKE: Popcorn at the movies is the ultimate snack.
DAN: But if you buy it at the supermarket in a multipack,
It's just as nice, about a tenth of the price,
And if you stick it in your bag no one will look at you twice.
LUKE: I bought oversized pants, quadruple XL,
So I can fill them up with cookies, and no one can tell,
Donuts in my pocket, 'cause that's my style.
They got me making Row C look like the bakery aisle!
DAN: I always keep a can of soup in my hip flask, nobody asks.
I stick it in my sock and walk straight past,
And cover up my hands in cottage cheese,
And tell securities that I've got a terrible disease.
LUKE: I've got a foot-long hotdog, one in each sleeve.
DAN: Hey, be careful with the ketchup, or we'll be asked to leave.
LUKE: And I need a disguise for this bag of French fries.
DAN: Man, just tape them to your face and leave a space for the eyes.
LUKE: I got a pint of Peri Peri in a Holy Grail chalice,
Hidden in a fuzzy soldier hat from Buckingham palace!
CARRIE: Hey! I see you two with that food there! DAN: Wanna share?
CARRIE: Sure, they don't pay me enough to care!

CHORUS 2: (CARRIE AND RICH:)
When I want snacks at the movies,
I won't pay their extravagant fees.
I'm feeling pensive.
They're so expensive.
The employees will never guess,
Buy some chips at Tesco Express,
And I'll be sneaking snacks into the cinema.

VERSE 3:
DAN: ­I ate five Christmas hams watching "Silence of the Lambs"!
LUKE: I ate some Vindaloo watching "Iron Man 2"!
CARRIE: I ate sugar free gelato while watching "Chicago"!
DAN: ­I ate some bruschetta watching "V For Vendetta"!
LUKE: I ate a beef log watching "Princess And The Frog"!
CARRIE: I ate a Jimmy John's Porker watching "Rocky Horror"!
DAN: I ate a whole loaf a bread watching "Dawn Of The Dead"
LUKE: I ate flan, on and on, watching "Tron" and "Black Swan"!

CHORUS 3: (CARRIE AND RICH:)
When I want snacks at the movies…
- DAN: I ate a planet of grapes while watching "Planet Of The Apes"! -
When I want snacks at the movies…
- LUKE: I ate seven strips of bacon watching Kevin Bacon! -
Lock me up, I have no regrets,
Long as I have my Raisinettes,
And I'll be sneaking snacks into the cinema.

DAN: I ate a cheese soufflé watching "Groundhog Day"!
LUKE: I ate a cheese soufflé watching "Groundhog Day"!
DAN: And then I ate a cheese soufflé watching "Groundhog Day"!
CARRIE: ­I ate a juicy peach watching "The King's Speech"!
DAN: I could sneak in more food if my leg was prosthetic.
LUKE: Want a Milk Dud? CARRIE: No, dumb ass, I'm diabetic!
ANNOUNCER (Charlie): Ladies and gents, our feature film today:
"The Smurfs" 3-D directed by Michael Bay!

ALL: NOOOO!!!
LUKE: What the!?!
DAN: Oh thanks guys, is this your idea?
LUKE: Whose idea was-?
CARRIE: ­Laaaame.
LUKE: Carrie! I am not gonna see a chick flick directed by the biggest moron in Hollywood!
Track Name: Titanic Monday
(*So this is the ship they say is unsinkable.* *It is unsinkable, COG itself could not sink this
ship.* *I don't see what all the fuss is about.* *You can be blaze about some things Rose, but not about Titanic.*
*We're goin' to America! Full house boys!* *I go to America! Ha ha!* *steam whistle*)

Left the port on Wednesday on a boat known as the ship of dreams.
My fiancé is so stuck up that by Friday I just wanted to scream.
Then Jack Dawson came and Sunday night was a paradise.
Twelve twenty-three that White Star ship hit thirty tons of ice. (*crash!*)

I guess it was Titanic Monday.
Got frozen like a Sunday.
Was not a fun day.
My 'face-oblivion' day.
It happened on Titanic Monday.

Despite all his years at sea, Captain Smith just had no clue.
If the ship itself proved one thing, it's that breaking up is hard to do.
Now my life's a movie making millions, but I don't know why.
How many chick flicks have you seen where over fifteen hundred people die?
(*Is there anyone alive out there?*)

I guess it was Titanic Monday.
The rafts are overrun day.
Call 9-1-1 day.
They're all as dead as Ghandi.
It happened on Titanic Monday.

All of first class had all their heads up their ass except old Molly Brown.
Life boat, might float
They don't understand that, no ship plus no land equals, we all will drown.
Come on down!
Leonardo's films all end the same.
I betcha 'Kenny' is his real name.
Oh my COG, they killed DiCaprio! You bastards!

The heart of the ocean beats in ME!

I guess it was Titanic Monday.
I can't think of a pun day.
Crocodile Dun-day.
Please help me Obi-Wan day.
It happened on Titanic Monday.
I should have drove a Hyundai.
Or wrestled King Kong Bundy.
Than shown up on Titanic Monday.
Track Name: Thor's Big Silver Hammer
“Thor’s Big Silver Hammer” by Carrie Dahlby
Copyright 2011

[1 measure instrumental for performance track only!]


Jane was quizzical, practiced astrophysical science in her van

‘Til it ran into a buff blonde god, Oh oh oh oh

Thor and Loki had defied their gold King Odin Dad, invading Yodenheim,

“Can we end this cold war between us, Laufy?”

But as he calls Thor “little princess”, Thor’s hand begins to rise...

Bang bang, Thor’s big silver hammer came down on his head...

Mjolnir, Thor’s big silver hammer made several Frost Giants dead.


[4 measures instrumental]


Thor (Josh): How DARE you threaten the son of Odin with such a puny weapo...
[taze sound effect]
Darcy (Sara): (pause) What?!? He was freaking me out!

Carrie: STOP! Hammer time!


Thor lost his power and his hammer for an hour, while banished here on Earth,

Jane has matrimonal bed thoughts, Oh oh oh oh

Gimly, Legolas, Jackie Chan and Xena just want Thor to be free

(Thor must be set free!)

The robot disagrees, and he tells them so [Destroyer sound effect]

But as Ms. Portman’s kissing his lips, we check out his behind! ddd ddddddd ddd

Bang bang, Thor’s big silver hammer destroyed that lead head,

Clang clang, Thor’s big silver hammer killed non-Stark Iron Man dead.


[12 measures instrumental]


Jane (Carrie): God, I hope you’re not crazy.
Thor (Josh): This mortal form has grown weak. I need sustenance!
Darcy (Sara): How can you eat an entire box of Pop Tarts and still be this hungry??
Volstagg (Luke): Do not mistake my appetite for apathy!
Thor (Josh): This drink. I like it. More!
[glass smash sound effect]
Jane (Carrie): No more smashing!



Back in Azgard’s din, Loki’s playing Slytherin, Thor gets quite annoyed

Loki’s causing many unpleasant scenes

Sibling rivalry competing for the dynasty, Loki threatens Jane...

Thor tries to Avengers Sanctity, oh oh oh oh,

When Loki dabbles in cold genocide, Thor seems to lose his mind...
Thor (Josh): AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Bang bang, Thor’s big silver hammer destroyed that bi-frost

Oopsie, thanks to Thor’s big clamor that bridge to Earth was lost.

Whoa oh oh

[8 measures instrumental]

Odin (Luke): Whoever wields this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor!

Thor (Josh): Your ancestors call it magic, but you call it science. I come from a land where they are one and the same.

Darcy (Sara): This is going on Facebook.

Silver hammer win!
Thor (Josh): Hamma! hamma!
Darcy (Sara): Yeah, we can tell you’re hammered. That’s pretty obvious.















Quotes to work in:

“Run back home, little princess” (Laufy)
“No more smashing!” (Jane)
“This mortal form has grown weak. I need sustenance!” (Thor)

“God, I hope you’re not crazy...” (Jane)
“He says his name is Thor...” (Jane)
“This drink. I like it! More!” [smashing glass] (Thor)
“This is going on Facebook.” (Darcy)
“How can you eat an entire box of Pop Tarts and still be this hungry?” (Darcy)
“How dare you threaten the son of Odin with such a puny weapo...” (Thor) [taze] “What?!? He was freaking me out!” (Darcy)
“These people are innocent. You cannot sacrifice an entire human race!” (Thor) “Then die with them.” (Loki)
“Do not mistake my appetite for apathy!” (Volstagg)
Track Name: Devo Spice, featuring Carrie Dahlby & Power Salad - All In My Tights
All in my tights (all in my tights)
(tights, tights)
All in my tights (all in my tights)

Put on these tights right here baby
Extra snug so we see that you’re buff
Put on these tights right here baby
Don’t have any shame
We want to see everything
That you can do all in your tights

Now I’m
Fightin’ crime
(all in my tights, all in my tights)
It’s like I’m naked running through the street
(all in my tights, all in my tights)

If you want to you can wear ‘em for the rest of your life
At some point you have to wash ‘em so they don’t smell too ripe

Something wrong, I don’t know why
I’m not that strong, and I can’t fly
But if I flex, like I am built
My nipples aim, and shoot out milk
I’m on my own, confused and scared
I’m heading home, to my secret lair
To my surprise, a bald guy is recruiting me
Gave me a costume from the X-Men University

All in my tights
Red tights, black tights, blue tights
White tights, green tights
(all in my tights, all in my tights)
Bat tights, Flash tights, Super tights
Spider tights, Wonder tights
(all in my tights)

Put on these tights right here baby
Super heroes all have to wear this
Put on these tights right here baby
No I don’t know why, it’s just the way that it is
You have to do things in your tights

I need a title, to fit the game plan
No “Super,” “Ultra,” “Nifty,” nothin’, I’m the Milk Man
And I’m dressed like a cow, it’s damn demeaning
But that ain’t as bad as, my bill for dry cleaning
My feet are tender, so I wear Crocs
Want to impress, I stuff with socks
My secret lair, is in my Mom’s garage
I’m painting decals on her 1987 dodge

All in my tights
Orange tights, yellow tights, purple tights
Brown tights, sheer tights
(all in my tights, all in my tights)
Cat tights, Green tights, Iron tights
Coon tights, Kick-Ass tights
(all in my tights)

Put on these tights right here baby
Extra tight so you show off your buldge
Put on these tights right here baby
No on second thought, why don’t you just wear a cloak
Don’t want to see you in your tights

Oh myyyyyy, oh nooo, I didn’t need to see that...
Oh God! Noooo, just... just... just go away please
Track Name: Jabba Jive
Jabba Jive
A parody of "Java Jive" by Ben Oakland, about Jabba The Hutt from the film "Star Wars: Return Of The Jedi"
Idea & vocals by Carrie Dahlby, lyrics by the great Luke Ski


Bib Fortuna, Bib Fortuna,
Bib Fortuna-luna-moon-a,
Bib Fortuna, Bib Fortuna,
Bib Fortuna-luna-moon-a,

I love life on Tatooine.
I love the Jabba jive 'cause he's so mean.
His palace is keen, like the Star Wars Canteen.
The Hutt, the Hutt, the Hutt, the Hutt, the Hutt.

Watch that Jabba drinking rum.
Look, on his tail, it's Salacious Crumb.
He's Fraggle-like scum, with a hand up his bum,
A mup, a mup, a mup, a mup, a muppet.

Oh, this criminal thug, is a wonderful slug,
With the face of a pug, he's a smug kind of lug.
A green skinned hottie on the dance floor.
Trap door!
Gator ate her, new translator.

Sing Sy Snootles snooty snout.
Max Rebo Jabba jives, all blue and stout.
He'll twist and shout, while Han is hanging out
In a slab, a slab, a slab, a slab, a slab.

Luke's in a jam.
Awww damn!
Those piggy guards taste just like spam.
Green alien ham!
Luke's got a bone to pick, with that Rancor so quick.
He fell for that old guillotine door trick. (That old schtick?)

That's when Jabba threw a fit.
Took his sail barge out to the Sarlaac pit.
Han couldn't see it, but got a critical hit
On Boba Fett, ba Boba Fett, ba Boba Fett, ba Boba Fett.

Ooh, the big slimy meanie dressed Leia like a genie,
In a golden bikini, which made the Jawas "UTEENI!!!"
Then came the part where his plot sank.
Walkin' the plank.
Player hater.
Luke's Dad is Darth Vader.

Strangled by the ball and chain.
Leia stopped the Jabba jive to end his reign.
Luke rescued the dame, at the deck they took aim,
And then we, blew up, blew up, blew up, blew up, blew up!
BLOW!!!
Track Name: the great Luke Ski, featuring Carrie Dahlby - Anime Fan
Anime Fan

A parody of "Candyman" by Christine Aguilera, about Japanese animation.

Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski

© Luke Sienkowski 2010



Luke: Yankee cartoons were always boring him.

Carrie: What happened then? What happened then?

Luke: Started watching shows from the Pacific rim.

Pikachu: PIKA!

Tetsuo: KANEDA!

Soun: RANMA!

Ranma: AAAAAAAHHH!!!

(SFX: Explosion)


Hey, Yu-Gi-Oh, yeah!


I met him playin' PokeMon in the school yard.

He caught my eye right after he captured my card.

Had Dragonballs, for a date he asked.

He showed up for it dressed up as Tuxedo Mask.

Once he made me swoon, he saw my Sailor Moon.

He's a Speed Racer, Star Blazer, Anime fan.

A Miyazaki, eatin' Pocky, Anime fan.


Oh, yeah!...


He really used his G-Force on my Robotech.

Just like Voltron, "I'll form the head!"

Every Gundam he came Macross, mastered like a toy. (A collectible toy)

This cyberpunk is my own Astro Boy, (Oh!)

But behind closed doors, he's my Gigantor.

He's a saki brewster, bio-booster, Anime fan. (Oh yeah!)

A mecha flyer, Mack Guyver, Anime fan.


Ba-shoo-ba-do-dwee-dop, bop, shoo, bop, ba-Cowboy-Bebop-oom-bow,… …Bow bow!

Hey yeah!

Sha-doo-ba-dwee-ba-Cowboy-Bebop-bow!

Sha-doo-ba-dwee-ba-Cowboy-Bebop-bow!

Sha-doo-ba-dwee-ba-Cowboy-Bebop-bow!

Cowboy Bebop bow!


(dialogue over those 12 measures:)

Main Boy: Hi cute girl! I am the shy main character,

and I have a crush on you!

Cute Girl: But I have a crush on that very handsome boy!

Handsome Boy: That's me!

Cute Girl: You must fight him for my love!

Main Boy: Did I mention I'm a robot super-weapon too? (SFX: tech)

Handsome Boy: Uh, oh!


Pretty boy divine, I'm his Valentine.

He's a transformin', disproportioned, Anime fan. (Oh!)

A.M.V. makin', Cosplayin', Anime fan.


Whoa yeah!


Now just like InuYasha, I obey at his word.

He stole my heart, like Lupin the 3rd.

Vash the Stampede's big Trigun. (Ah!)

I'm a horny girl, and flying high like Lum!


Luke: Ranma and Akane fighting at the beach.

Anime fan, Anime fan

Luke: To clean their bikinis, they gotta use Bleach.

Anime fan, Anime fan


Tenchi Muyo, Anime fan

Hair's a bright mop, eyes pop, bigger than a chef's wok.

Slayers, Lain, Anime fan

Huge mallet whop, blood snot, embarrassed massive sweat drop.

Ah My Goddess, Anime fan

Likes my boobs hot, jigglin' won't stop, here's a panty shot.

Fan service…


And now we're both grown-ups with flair.

I'm his La Blue Girl, and we're a Dirty Pair.

Ditch the smut you got. "My porn has a plot!"

He's a Hentai watchin', happy crotchin', Anime fan.

A wang attackin', tallywackin', Anime fan.

A likes 'em curvy, super pervy, Anime fan.

A gonna rock you, King Otaku, Anime fan.

Aaaaahhh, yeah!

Anime fan!

Anime fan!

Anime fan!

Anime fan!

Anime fan! Anime fan! Anime fan! Anime fan!...


(dialogue over those 12 measures:)

Cute Girl: I'm the cute girl, skipping my way to junior college.

Scrotor: I am Scrotor, demon from the 5th realm!

Cute Girl: My, what big tentacles you have! What will do with those?

Scrotor: Heh, you're about to find out!

Cute Girl: Well I'm secretly a ninja warrior! Taste my blades naughty demon! Hi-yah! (attacks him)

Scrotor: (SFX: Sword) Ow! Ow! Hey! Hey! Watch it! These are sensitive!


Luke: Kaneda and Tetsuo got into a fight.

Army guys: Destroyed Neo-Tokyo, freaky mutant might.

Luke: Team Rocket's blastin' off at the speed of light.

Army guys: Jesse and James and Meowth, that's right.

Luke: Nine tailed demon fox Naruto was shunned.

Army guys: Fought to become Hokage, and he won.

Luke: Light got out his book, and ended our fun.

Army guys: Wrote a Death Note about us, and now we're done.
Track Name: the great Luke Ski, featuring Carrie Dahlby - Scoob
Scoob
A parody of “Shoop” by Salt 'N Pepa, about “Scooby Doo”
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2014 Luke Sienkowski


[Opening music from the theme to “The New Scooby Doo Movies”]

Scooby: RUH?!?

[Intro (8 measures):]

Fred: Okay gang, I'm all done setting up my trap to catch the Swamp Studio Phantom! Velma, you take lead vocals and lure him in. Daphne and I will sing chorus vocals in booth two,...
Daphne: Oh Freddie, whatta man! (*sigh*)
Fred: ...and Shaggy, you'll man the sound board.
Shaggy: Like, no fair, Fred! All the craft service food is in the main booth with Velma! (*whimper*)

[Verse 1:]

Velma:
Here we go, here we go, see right through your ruse.
Gang, what's my weakness? (Gang: CLUES!) We can't lose.
Jeepers! Creepers, creaking a door hinge.
I'll don my knee-socks and turtleneck of orange.
The freaks and geeks who make some more cringe,
like Miner 49'er, Captain Cutler, Space Kook, and
wicked witches? (Scooby: Ruh?!) All fictitious. (Phew!)
I'm a skeptic who lives scientific.
A cheap sheet ghost don't make me believe
when you roll with me, Velma Dinkley.
Shaggy and I tip-toed and slipped by the bad guy so sneaky,
then he tripped and flipped us down the stairs like two Slinkys.
JINKIES! Hopefully that boy makes passes
at nerdy girls always losing their glasses
who know how you do that voodoo that you do
so well. It's not a spell. Swell! Makes me holler “Scooby Doo!”

[Chorus 1:]

Fred & Daphne:
Scoob. Scooby Doo.
Scooby Doo.
Scooby Dooby Dooby Doo
Scooby Doo.
Scooby Doo.
Scooby Dooby Dooby Doo.

[Verse 2:]

Ummm, the man with the plan, major ascot fan.
Freddie Jones is always ready with his Chevy van.
Mystery Machine rolls into the action.
Watch Fred set off a Rube Goldberg contraption.
Pull the switch and SNAP! Monster's in our trap!
Or maybe not. Who got kidnapped?
Of course it's Daphne Blake, looking lovely.
Like Prinze wed, she looks just like “Buffy - [*stake vamp SFX*] -
The Vampire Slayer” with more flair, debonair.
Scarf, purple dress, and red hair.
Damsel in distress, loves Freddie the best.
Yes Shaggy ingests ice cream to excess.
Chocolate chip, honey dipped, triple-decker scoop. (Shaggy: *chomp!* *gulp!*)
Second biggest stomach in the group. The first belongs to...

[Chorus 2:]

Fred & Daphne:
Scoob. Scooby Doo. Scooby Doo. (Scooby: Baby, rey!)
13 Ghosts Of Scooby Doo.
Scooby Doo. Scooby Doo. (Scooby: Don't you know, I'm Scooby Doo, baby!)
He's A Pup Named Scooby Doo.
Scooby Doo. Scooby Doo.
Hey What's New with Scooby Doo?
Scooby Doo. Scooby Doo.
Just Be Cool now, Scooby Doo.

[Verse 3:]

Forget about Speed Buggy, Josie and the Pussycats.
Just ask Cher, Don Knotts, or Mama Cass.
With 70's celebs we're rated
A-number-1, Mystery Incorporated!
[*“Puppy Power!” “Shaddap!”*] …I hate Scrappy. [← sound bite from T.H.B. Polka]
Happy when he's not around to make our show crappy.
(Fake Sinatra: (scats:) Scooby Dooby Doooo!)
Strangers in the night fill my doggie with fright
'til I stop canine anxiety attacks
when I bribe 'em with a whole box of Scooby Snacks.
Hiding ancient Spears, or a giant Ruby,
or pirate booty? Soon SCOOBY DOOBY DOO (← Scooby with Velma)
will find you. He's a Great Dane, unleashed off the chain.
When you hear Shaggy sayin' “WHERE ARE YOU?!”, (← Shaggy with Velma)
soon our Who-Dunnit's through.
Get a clue. You know we're down with Scoob.


[Chorus 3:]

Fred & Daphne:
Scoob. Scooby Doo.
Scooby Doo.
Scooby Dooby Dooby Doo
Scooby Doo.
Scooby Doo.
Scooby Dooby Dooby Doo

[Lead-in to Verse 4 (4 measures):]

Phantom: ('RAAAAAAAA!' monster noises)
Daphne: Oh my goodness! Shaggy! behind you!
Shaggy: YIKES! Like, run Scoob!
(Shaggy and Scooby scream while Phantom chases them roaring) [*doors opening/closing*]
Fred: Get him to chase you into booth one by Velma!...
Velma: ...He's coming this way! Ooh!

[Verse 4:]

Shaggy (with Scooby): ZOINKS!
Like, S to the D wanna snack with me? Cool! (Ruh-huh!)
Fillin' up with glee (Reah!), from my bellbottoms to my goatee. (Rat's right!)
I'm mainly known for my cowardice. Beef Sweet-And-Sour dish?
Mmm, Mmm, Mmm! I'll devour this! (*chomp!*)
Hey man don't hog that last hot dog! (Hot dog!)
Twelve inches a footlong (yum!), when suddenly a monster bog frog! (Rikes!)
Grouchy from his dirt nap. What a mishap!
Like, time to end this rap. Freddie, spring the trap! [*chunk*] We got 'em Scoob!

[Outro (16 measures):]

Fred: Now let's see who the Swamp Studio Phantom really is... [*unmasking sound*]
Everyone: DINO-MIKE!
Shaggy: He's, like, that comedy musician who did that song parody about me!
Dino-Mike: I wanted my song to be the only “Scooby-Doo” related parody! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!
Daphne: There's one musician who didn't forget to stay demented!
Velma: And that solves the case of the Swamp Studio Phantom!
Shaggy: Like, at least we can eat now! Hey Scoob, pass the Salt 'N Pepa!
Scooby: Scooby Dooby Doo!
Track Name: the great Luke Ski, featuring Carrie Dahlby - Luke, Are You Carrie?
Luke, Are You Carrie?
A parody of “Kyle, Are You Ian?” and “Devo, Are You ShoEboX?”
about Luke Ski switching places with Carrie Dahbly.
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2012 Luke Sienkowski & Carrie Dahlby

1st Verse/Chorus:
Luke:
People know me as the great Luke Ski.
I TiVo every animated program on T.V.
When it comes to plugging stuff I have no concept of discretion,
(as Gilbert:) And I do an annoying Gilbert Gottfried impression.
I've got more action figures than Demento's got wax.
Won a Logan Award. Not braggin', check the facts.
The only act with more year-end number ones than I
is, you know, what's-his-name, that architect guy.
Now lately the FuMP dot com has been ravaged
by an 80's movie curse, like “Vice Versa's” Fred Savage,
or Kirk Cameron in “Like Father, Like Son”.
Remember that?... ...Nope. I'm the only one.
First Kyle switched with Ian, then ShoEboX with Devo.
That kind of thing surely won't happen to me though,
but if it did happen I'm thinking I'd probably
end up switching places with my friend, Carrie Dahlby.
Carrie: Luke, are you Carrie? Luke: Carrie, are you Luke?
Carrie: Luke, are you Carrie? Luke: Carrie, are you Luke?
Carrie: Do you prefer Steely Dan, or that Humpty Hump kook?
So Luke, are you Carrie? Luke: Carrie, are you Luke?
Carrie, are you Luke? Carrie: Luke, are you Carrie?
Luke: Carrie, are you Luke? Carrie: Luke, are you Carrie?
Luke: “Did you ever do a scene in an apothecary?”
Carrie, are you Luke? Carrie: Luke, are you Carrie?
(spoken:)
Luke: If you think I'm going to rhyme my name with 'puke' in this song, you're sorely mistaken. Moving on...
2nd Verse/Chorus:
Carrie: At 6 a.m., I'm a sleep walking zombie.
A first time mommy, it's me Carrie Dahlby.
The only main FuMPer to experience pregnancy.
I toss out kids LIKE I TOSS OUT HARMONIES!
I love baby Alex even more than the Beatles,
And at NEIU, I sing opera for reals.
Everything's a song, as you can plainly see,
and the world is made of guys just like Luke Ski.
We've both done cat songs, not so perplexing.
Mine were short and sweet, his were martian and sexy.
We've been to the Dells, Comicon, and more,
and we're BFFs, despite our Bad Rapport. (Luke: Plug!)
Luke is the world's biggest Muppet Show fan.
I mean I like 'em too, but holy crap, man!
Won't shut up about MarsCon if you get him on a roll.
I'm a middle east country, he's a mountain troll!
Luke: Luke, are you Carrie? Carrie: Carrie, are you Luke?
Luke: Luke, are you Carrie? Carrie: Carrie, are you Luke?
Luke: Have you drawn caricatures at a prom in Dubuque?
So Luke, are you Carrie? Carrie: Carrie, are you Luke?
Carrie, are you Luke? Luke: Luke, are you Carrie?
Carrie: Carrie, are you Luke? Luke: Luke, are you Carrie?
Carrie: Is your chest doubly round, or disgustingly hairy?
So Carrie, are you Luke? Luke: Luke, are you Carrie?
(spoken:)
Carrie: Just what the FuMP needs, more meta inside joke songs. ~sigh~ Anyway...
3rd Verse:
Luke: I eat tons of bacon! Carrie: I eat healthy food like Wheaties.
Luke: I got too much stuff! Carrie: I got type two diabetes.
Luke: I can do low voices. Carrie: I can squeak like a door hinge.
Luke: She's known to wear pink. Carrie: He's known to wear orange.
Luke: Ken Sherlock's my friend. Carrie: Man, I can't live without him.
Luke: I listen to Mischke. Carrie: Yeah, I told you about him!
Luke: I love “30 Rock”. Carrie: Damn, that show is real funny.
Luke: I wrote all of this song. Carrie: And I took all of the money.
Hey, what's going on? Luke: Did the switch happen maybe?
Carrie: I'm blonde with a gut! Luke: I've got boobs and a baby!
I'll put on your cheerleader outfit from '06,
Grab my digital camera, and take some sexy pics,
email them to myself for when we switch back.
Carrie: What am I supposed to do? Luke: Well, you could hit the track.
Do that Weight Watchers thing, you were always so great.
Could you slim me down to about 188?
Carrie: Ah?! How did I get the short end of the stick?
Stuck in his body with his gigantic ego?
Luke: You can belch like a man, and it won't seem profane!
Carrie: What's this unexplained rash? Luke: Dude, I can explain.
Carrie: That's it, I give up, guess we'll call it a wash.
Now I'll go sleep with Sara, you go sleep with Josh!
Luke: What?! Not tonight! I think I'm catching a fever!
Josh: Hey, I'm not exactly thrilled about this either.
(spoken)
Sara: What's Luke plugging no-o-o-ow?
Luke: Shuuut up!
4th Verse/Chorus:
Luke: This FuMP body swappin' shows no signs of stoppin'.
Now there's Hot Waffles in the Gothsicles' coffin.
Carrie: Ookla Bubble Wrap's new song might thrill you,
Luke: “Stop Talking About PokeMon Or I'll Kill You!”
Carrie: Who are those six guys in one furry suit?
Luke: Looks like Sci-Fried is now Max DeGroot.
Carrie: Irish cat webcomics done by Marc Balder.
Luke: Peanut butter sandwich rock by Possible Schlosser.
Carrie: Kobi, are you Austin? Luke: Damsels, are you Shisho?
Carrie: Are we on the main page? Luke: Or is this on the Sideshow?
Carrie: Tom Smith is the Boobles and he likes it a lot.
Luke: Dino-Mike, are you Derwood? Dino-Mike: God, I hope not. (Derwood: Hey!)
Carrie: Toyboat Potato Chips? What a mess!
Luke: Is Jesse Smith Morning Sidekick? Jesse: Actually, yes!
Carrie: Positude Sisyphus says it all will be fine.
Luke: Consortium of Genius, are you Flat 29?
(spoken:)
Dr. Pinkerton: YOU CAN'T FAKE A CAKE ON THE MAKE!!!
Rich Green: Aw, farganargle!
(end of song)
Track Name: Killing You Softly (live)
"Killing you softly" by Carrie Dahlby
Parody of "Killing me softly with his song" as performed by Roberta Flack
Performed live at the wedding reception of Carrie Dahlby and Josh Rasey,
As a present from bride to groom, May 30th 2009

Touching your neck with my fingers
Pillow now muffling your words
Killing you softly in your sleep
Killing you softly in your sleep
Deleting your whole life with my hands
Killing you softly in your sleep

I knew you kinda liked me
I knew you'd marry me
And so I promptly said Yes and put on that new ring
Now here we are, we're married
My evil plan is working...

Causing your pain with my fingers
Hearing your sweet soothing screams
Killing you softly in your sleep
Killing you softly in your sleep
Crushing you gently with my thumbs
Killing you softly in your sleep

I feel all flushed with love now
Surrounded by our peeps
But I'm most looking forward to when you fall asleep
It'll hurt me more than you
Okay, not really, j/k

Humming a lullaby softly
While slipping you more cyanide
Killing you softly in your sleep
Killing you softly in your sleep
Now that you're wrapped 'round my pinky
Killing you softly in your sleep

Your life insurance policy
Just might not be the best
But at least I won't need to clean up all your mess
They say when one door closes
Another opens

And the voices I hear that control me
Tell me I *should* kill you now
Killing you softly in your sleep
Killing you softly in your sleep
Disrupting your slumber with murder
Killing you softly in your sleep

La la la la la la la la
Ree ree ree
La la la la la la la la
Killing you softly in your sleep
Now you will be mine forever
Killing you softly in your sleep
Track Name: Pregnancy Is Strange
“Pregnancy is Strange” -- Lyrics
By Carrie Dahlby (10/9/2011)

(Alex: Uhhh... where am I? What is all this... stuff? Why can’t I get out? Who am I? Mommy, I don’t understand!)
Pregnancy is strange
Pregnancy is weird
(Alex: You think it’s weird? How do you think I feel?)
A human took up residence inside of me, so I think that
Pregnancy is strange
(Alex: Wheee!!!)

Aren’t I supposed to be glowing
Now that my big tummy’s showing?
Actually I just keep eating and eating, so
Instead my butt and thighs are growing

I did not approve all these bodily changes
Like swollen and tender cans
Ironically, this singularly female experience
Was all caused by a man!

Pregnancy is strange
Pregnancy is weird
(Alex: Mommy, I’m hungry! Eat five pizzas!)
There’s a skeleton inside of my skeleton (ew!)
Pregnancy is strange


Everything hurts and everything sweats
Even parts I didn’t think could
If strangers want to touch my belly I am supposed to just
Smile and think it’s all good

Pregnancy is strange
Pregnancy is weird

Luckily my mood has been on an even keel
IN SPITE OF EVERYONE GETTING ON MY CASE ALL THE TIME,
AT HOME, AT WORK, AND THE KICKING, OH GOD, THE CONSTANT
KICKING WHILE I’M SLEEPING! CAN’T I HAVE FIVE MINUTES OF PEACE??
Pregnancy is strange!


The hormones and emotions are raging away
Giving me doubts and hopes and fears
I swear to god this is the only time in my life
I’ve worn headphones 2 feet below my ears!

Pregnancy is strange
Pregnancy is weird

Watch out cuz your uterus could be next!
Pregnancy is strange
Pregnancy is weird

The craziest part is how I could fall asleep just about anywhere...
Track Name: Song For Baby Alex
“Song for Baby Alex” -- by Carrie Dahlby 2013
Instrumental (and additional vocals) by Kyle Carrozza

Spoken intro (over a couple measures of instrumental): “I wrote the following song using only words and phrases my baby can understand.
So, if you don’t ‘get’ it, you’re not as smart as a one-year-old!”

Paci sneeze your turtle light,
Watermelon book byebye.
Curtains, jammies, clap your hands.
I’mgonnagetchyou yogurt dance!

Kermit colors, music songs,
Ball your smiiiile and more AGOG!
Glasses burp the Mozart cube,
Milkies come from Mama’s cup!

There ain’t no kitty cats to ask me why
I love you more than the sun and the moon and the stars and the sky

(song interjection “Banana” to the tune of “Bonanza”, with Josh)

Daddy’s home in shake shake shake,
Buffy, Willow, blocks and cake.
Diaper changing table food,
Star Wars poster, little dude!

Uncle Luke your ladybugs
Every spoon my rattle hugs.
Can you ask politely please?
On the potty pee pee pee!

There ain’t no ceiling fans to ask me why
I love you more than the sun and the moon and the stars and the sky

Kyle: Xylophone solo! Take it, President Baby!

(Carrie plays Fisher-Price Xylophone solo)

(song interjection “Puffs! Sing the praises of Puffs!” to the tune of “Pants!” from MST3K)

Thank you for your gentle toes,
No no no no no no no!
Socks I tree your car’s Fozzie,
Poo poo diaper lblblblblblblblblblb.

Kisses meow your meatball shoes,
Doggie, duckie, berry, goose.
You’re the joy that my life lacked,
Toothbrush quacks and Baby Snacks!

There ain’t no Christmas trees to ask me why
I love you more than the sun and the moon and the stars and the sky

Carrie:(over instrumental outro) I love you,
Alex. No, be gentle to the kitty... no, don’t pull
her tail... no, don’t touch the cd player....
water at the table is for drinking not for playing!...
no, we don’t play on the toilet seat!...
No, honey, you can’t have Daddy’s coffee....
All right, all right... as long as it’s iced.
Track Name: Rainbow Train
“Rainbow Train” -- by Carrie Dahlby and Alex Rasey

[Verse 1]
Someday we’ll ride a kitten that turns into a Thomas t-shirt
Someday we’ll ride a cloud that turns into an ice cream dessert
Someday we’ll ride a gross hair that turns into some gook [Alex: EWWWW!!!!]
Someday we’ll ride a TV that turns into a book

[Chorus 1]
And someday we’ll ride a big long Rainbow Train
That turns into a rainbow covered in some rain
And then we’ll be way up high in the sky
And catch a ride from a Rainbow Airplane coming by [Alex: whooooooosh]

[Verse 2 - extended]
Someday we’ll ride an excavator that turns into a choir
Someday we’ll ride a Mommy Milka that turns into fire
Someday we’ll ride a giant carousel going around
Someday we’ll ride train tracks that turn into arms down. [Alex: ARMS DOWN!!!] And a train is coming. [Alex: A train is coming!!!] And the lights are flashing. [Alex: Lights are flashing!!!]

[Chorus 2]
And someday we’ll ride a big long Rainbow Train
That turns into a rainbow covered in some rain
And then we’ll be way up high in the sky
And catch a ride from a Rainbow Balloon coming by [Alex: whoooooo]

[Middle 8]
Someday we’ll ride a moon that turns into a royal king
Someday we’ll ride some cheese that turns into a too old thing [Alex: TOO OLD!!!!]
Someday we’ll ride a dragon that turns into taco meals
Someday we’ll ride a parade that turns into a taxi of wheels

[Verse 3]
Someday we'll ride a parachute that turns into too many dolls
Someday we’ll ride silver that turns into a big old ball
Someday we’ll ride a sewer cap that turns into a UFO
Someday we'll ride a truck that turns into a boat.



[Chorus 3]

And someday we’ll ride a big long Rainbow Train [Alex: CHOO CHOO!!!]
That turns into a rainbow covered in some rain
And then we’ll be way up high in the sky
And catch a ride from a Rainbow Airplane coming by [Alex: Airplanes are good….]

And someday we’ll ride a big long Rainbow Train
That turns into a rainbow covered in some rain
And then we’ll be way up high in the sky
And catch a ride from a Rainbow Helicopter coming by [Alex: WAY UP HIGH IN THE SKY!!!!!!]
Track Name: Almost Parent Time
“Almost Parent Time” by Carrie Dahlby, featuring Wyngarde

[John and Earl vamp for 30 seconds “Have you seen the new Agents of SHIELD?” etc]

Carrie: I thought grown up time just was not for Moms.
'Cause once my child would snooze,
The time for fun was gone. (All gone.)

Earl: I feared my kid would never fall asleep.
No time for grown-up stuff

Both: But wait! His eyes are shut!
I’m fin’ly gonna get to goof off soon!

Both: Oh, almost parent time
Time for booze and salty food.
Almost parent time.
Watch violence and nud---ity
GTA and Minecraft and Skyrim time.
Parent time.

Earl: I love my child more than life itself
But I'd almost given up
On those DVDs on my shelves

Carrie: And all these games I saved for the next blue moon.
And I wanna watch my shows.

Both: My kid’s starting to doze!
Call the D.M., this is not a drill

Both: Oh, almost parent time.
Got RPG’ers at my door.
Got a pair o’ dice.
Chips and Mountain Dew and more
I swear those magic missiles will be so sublime
Parent time.

Carrie: My child’s snoring time is almost here in sight
No more “Goodnight Moon…”

Both: GOODNIGHT MOON EVERY NIGHT.

Both: Almost parent time.
He’s lying down his sleepy head.
Almost parent time
Cue up “The Walking Dead”
I’ll dust the cobwebs off my no no toys tonight
Parent time. Parent time. Parent time.
[John and Earl vamp for 20 seconds or so over the “Parent time, parent time, parent time” end part]