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Dear Britney
03:53
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"Sleep Walking Zombies" - Carrie Dahlby featuring Erin Jane Sherlock
A parody of "My Dad's Gone Crazy" by Eminem
featuring Hailie Jade Mathers
ERIN:
No! I wanna stay up all night like you!
Tell me another story! I don't wanna sleep!
ERIN AND CARRIE:
Okay then! Everybody wake up!
CARRIE:
Eh, I'm goin' back to bed. Who's with me on this?
ERIN:
Somebody, please, give us more time to sleep!
*giggle*
You're all sleep walking zombies!
CARRIE (verse 1):
There's no sleepwalk I won't try
No lack of sleep too high
No zombie that I can't out zombify
What do I gotta do to get through to you
To show you there ain't nothin' I can't zombie sleepwalk through?
(yawn)
Every lost hour of sweet sleep
Is called "sleep debt" and it can make a zombie out of me
And out of you, feelin' like you be on
Auto-pilot every dang day, but it can't kill you.
I'm out of fuel, I feel like lyin' my butt down.
Sleep debt's about as fun as a chastity vow.
KEN:
True, that.
CARRIE:
So tell Oprah to get out of the bookshop
Because I need advice on how to stop feeling coin-opped
And fight sleep deprivation with gloves off.
Harry Potter and the Sleep Eaters need to get cast off!
When will I sleep? When will the madness please stop?
Erin, tell 'em sweetie...
ERIN:
Sleepy!
CARRIE (chorus):
I have no need to eat your brains but this aches and pains me
ERIN:
You're all sleep walking zombies!
CARRIE:
A little help from Erin Jane, tell 'em little lady
ERIN:
You're all sleep walking zombies!
CARRIE:
I need something that can sustain me or I'll insane be
ERIN:
You're all sleep walking zombies!
CARRIE:
There's nothing on earth that can save me, not even caffeine
ERIN:
You're all sleep walking zombies!
CARRIE (verse 2):
It's like my teacher always told me:
Wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa .... you stupid little brats
If you sleep through my class I will credit you for nothin'!
*snore*
My bad, I snoozed, feel real dazed and woozed
Like drivin' cruise and lose a thousand rapid eye movements per second
I'd rather set the world's highest nap length record
I'd rather be a Sleepy seven dwarf, stand sleepin'
And have sleepy crud stuck to my face with a sleep aid in my nose
I wake with a fire hose, sleepin' hours 3 or 4
Can't you see why we're so beat? Let yer alarm clock go,
improve your scenario.
You wouldn't have to go eenie meenie minie mo
Catch a zombie by his toe. Call us the Coma Corps.
Can't my job just pay me to SLEEP a little more?
(REPEAT CHORUS)
CARRIE (bridge):
Sleep debt can make you cry, make you wanna die
And at the same time, make yer eyes real dry and stupified
See what we got is a nation overworked
But it's not always work
Cuz exhaustion's got workplace production reversed
But when I do sleep, I don't count sheep
I'm sleeping deep BEFORE my head hits the pillow
C'mon! Hello! I'm WAY too tired to know the insomnia woe!
Sleepwalk to work, come home, and back to work I go
And walk around my life with a Zombiac glow.
I could wander onstage and not even know!
Like Britney Spears does whenever she performs!
Feel dead inside of my head,
wish I was a little girl inside of her bed
After the story's read, with Care Bears bedspread
Need some deep sleep under my sheets and I do not count the threads
And that's pretty much the gist of it
Kids'll resist but even kids love it.
I lack dreamin', extreme in sleep debt, steamin' head, body screamin'.
I'll have my own kids! Then I'll have time to get more sleep in!
(REPEAT CHORUS)
CARRIE:
Zombies. Zombies.
ERIN:
Wake up Carrie!
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6. |
Everything's a Song
03:06
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“Everything’s A Song” – Carrie Dahlby
To paraphrase another saying: If it exists, it's a Dementia song.
Banana bread, barnyards, and library cards
And feet and Pez Dispensers and thongs
Are not only essentials to everyday life
They can also be the topics of songs
Greek restaurants, prom nights and pink traffic lights
And leiderhosen and babushkas
If funny music has taught me anything yet
It’s that song ideas are limitless
Cuz everything’s a song (Everything’s a song)
Just take a look around you
You just can’t go wrong (Everything’s a song)
The possibilities may astound you
Winnebagos, nethacks and internet cats
And Boba Fetts and hobbits and corn
And Grandmas and Uncles and four letter words
And weed and booze and strippers and porn
Toenails and cell phones and Al Palindromes
And Smurfs and boobs and dogs and celebs
Viagara, missing butts and all TV shows
Good guys, bad guys and women named Deb
Bie everything’s a song (Everything’s a song)
Just take a look around you
You just can’t go wrong (Everything’s a song)
The possibilities may astound you
Not every song needs to be about love
But the industry don’t wantchyou to know
There’s songs on your bathroom floor, songs in your fridge
And every single place that you go
Some say every song’s already been writ
But open yer eyes and take a gaze
There’s songs that are wrong and there’s songs about songs
And songs that illustrate all the ways
That everything’s a song (Everything’s a song)
Just take a look around you
You just can’t go wrong (Everything’s a song)
The possibilities may astound you
Everything’s a song (Everything’s a song)
Just take a look around you
Nothing can go wrong (Nothing's wrong with this song)
The possibilities may astound you
Everything's a song (Everything's a song)
I'm pretty sure you've got the point now
You just can't go wrong (Everything's a song)
And pretty soon I will shut up, now
Dementia Radio...
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8. |
The Last Half Birthday
03:12
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“The Last Half Birthday”
By Carrie Dahlby
My half birthday is here
I’m 29 and a half this year
And this is the last half birthday
I’m ever gonna have
In six months is the 30th
Anniversary of my birth
So I’m gonna milk my remaining twenties
For all that they are worth...
I’m gonna be a pink princess, sequinned and pearled in the next six months
Visit every Starbucks in the whole wide world in the next six months
Perform with Steely Dan every night
Bring a suitcase full of snakes on a flight
Quit my job and get paid to play Light Brite in the next six months
I’m gonna bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower in the next six months
Use my laptop to assist Jack Bauer in the next six months
Be featured on the “News of the Stupid”
Get that engagement ring from cupid
Record a Beach Boys song about some soup up in the next six months
My last half birthday won’t be perfect
Mischke ain’t even airin’
And some kids have to go back to school
But listen to what I’m sayin’
Now I’ll do all I’ve ever wanted
All accomplishments and no strife
‘Cause in six months when I turn 30
It’s the end of my freakin’ life!
And I’ll never admit my age again!
And I’ll never acknowledge half birthdays again!
So I will drive a pink VW Beetle in the next six months
I’ll eat my weight in Cap’n Crunch cereal in the next months
I’ll do everything that I never did
But been wanting to do since I was a kid
‘Cause turning 30 I’ll be as old as shipwrecks
Which is in six months
My 30th birthday is like Death Day
A respectable family sedan
I will learn to play golf and wear appropriate bras
And never have fun again
No I’ll never be young again
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A19
A parody of “Hey Nineteen” by Steely Dan,
about attending a Steely Dan concert.
Parody lyrics by Carrie Dahlby
© 2008 Carrie Dahlby.
Additional dialogue by Luke Sienkowski aka “the great Luke Ski”.
Carrie: The following is based on the true story of my Steely Dan concert experience in Chicago… and my actual seat assignment.
(Verse 1)
Lead: Way back in 2007
My concert seat was way too high
Someone told me that I’d sat in her spot
Climb one more level,
Where the hell am I?
(Chorus)
Lead: A19
Backing: Down front in the 3rd balcony
Both: No, I can’t see at all
Lead: Please take me along when you sneak on down…
Drunk guy: Hey, Steely Dan! I love that guy!
(Verse 2)
Lead: Hey, drunk guy,
Please shut the hell up
Drunk guy: Skinnard!
Lead: He don’t really care
Where his beer fell…
Carrie: You better think what you trynna do to me! Show me some respect!
Lead: It’s hard times for us in
The nosebleed section
Drunk guy: Play “Come Sail Away”! Woo!
Lead: You think we’re crazy
But we’re just broke as hell
(Chorus)
Lead: A19
Backing: Why did I pay Ticketmaster?
Both: No, I can’t see at all
Lead: Please take me along to the main level…
Carrie: Hey, look! It’s Chris Mezzolesta of Power Salad! Hi Chris!
Chris: Hey, Carrie!
Carrie: You wouldn’t believe the bad seat I have! A19 on the 3rd balcony, and it’s right behind a post!
Chris: You think that’s bad, I’m seated on the 4th balcony level bathroom!
Carrie: Oh, ew! The men’s room?
Chris: No, in the women’s room on the diaper changing table!
Carrie: Screw that, let’s sneak down to the main level.
Chris: Affirmative.
Male lead: Idea sounds good. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Let’s go a little lower now!
Female backing:
The front row of
The auditorium
Oops, security sent us back…
Male lead: Let’s try this again…
Female backing:
The front row of
The very first balcony
Oops, security sent us back…
Chris and Carrie: One. More. Try.
Female backing:
The front row of
The 2nd balcony
Then we get thrown out on the street…
Backing: The dark and lonely alley
No, we can’t see at all
Carrie: This is full of lose.
Chris: Let’s see if the Steely Dan tour bus is in the alley.
Carrie: Look, there’s the Stage Door! And… another security guard.
Chris: I have an idea. Follow my lead.
Joan: Excuse me, you can’t come in through here. This is for band and stage crew only.
Chris: Ma’am, don’t you recognize internationally renowned pop-rock diva Pixelene?
Joan: Uh…
Chris: She has the current #1 pop hit “I Kissed a Squirrel and I Liked It.”
Carrie: W.T.F., O.M.G. G.T.F.O.
Chris: What does your badge say? Joan? Well, Mizz Joan, I’m from Rolling Stone magazine and I’m here to cover the historic first meeting between Pixelene and Steely Dan. Here are my credentials.
Joan: That’s a CTA bus pass.
Chris: That’s just to fool the paparazzi.
Carrie: Colon, open parenthesis.
Joan: I’m sorry, ma’am. Come right in.
Chris: Much obliged, guvna.
Carrie: T.Y.! T.T.F.N.
Chris and Carrie: Three-times perfect!
Chris: Carrie, look out for the keyboards!
Carrie: Ahhhhhhhhh!
Drunk guy: Any Major Dude is in my pants. Hah! Hey, Larry. I said Any Major Dude is in my pants! Yeah, I know. It’s funny.
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In My Soup
02:30
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Hazy Shade Of Killer
02:45
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“Hazy Shade of Killer” by Carrie Dahlby
(p. simon) (Bangles)
One, two, three
Heroes killed on t.v…
Pe – trel - li
He was killed on t.v.
While he told the world
His impossible story
Gunman so hard to see…
Look around
Duck way down
Cuz this guy
Is a hazy shade of killer
No help from Peter or Parkman
From Season One victory
It’s very contradictory
Shot down by one man…
Carried a gun in his hand…
See the sky
Fly up high
Cuz this guy
Is a hazy shade of killer
Claire’s blood could bring back Nathan
That’s an easy thing to say
But the Company has final say
In who tries her cure
Is Nathan a goner for sure?
Take a guess
Sylar’s mess?
Peter’s bad?
Or did Claire’s Dad kill her birth Dad?
Season two ended abruptly
Writer’s strike changed their history
Don’t forget Nathan Petrelli
Look around
Hit the ground
Cuz this guy
Is a hazy shade of killer
Niki died
Noah’s live
Hiro’s burying the Sensai
Suresh saved
Sylar’s raised
Maya’s black tears are all the rage
Molly’s dreams
Did nothing
There’s an assassin in the wings
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Broadcast Epilogue
00:19
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25. |
The World Is Made Of
03:09
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Carrie Dahlby Chicago, Illinois
Carrie Dahlby is a comedy musician frequently featured on The Dr. Demento Show. Her debut funny music CD "Happy Ranch" was released in 2007, her 2nd CD "Giant Kitten" was released in 2009, and her 3rd and latest CD "Sing All Funny Jokes" was released in 2014. Subsequent music has been released on TheFuMP.com but has yet to be made available on BandCamp. ... more
Carrie Dahlby recommends:
Be Amused By Me
by the great Luke Ski
The most recent full length comedy music album from Dr. Demento's most requested act of the 21st Century! I appear on this album and many more Luke Ski albums!
go to album
The best comedy music album of 2012! Dan, Charlie, and Rich took the best tracks from their podcast "Big Book Of Everything" and souped them up to create this epic CD! Get it now!
go to album
It's Devo Spice's "Doctor Who" concept album! One track for each Doctor, plus the title track! Fantastic! Allons-y! Geronimo!
go to albumIf you like Carrie Dahlby, you may also like:
Speakeasy - Live 2016
by John Robins
Robins decided to release the recording of his 2016 comedy tour during the Covid-19 shutdown at the behest of fans.
go to album
Taylor Ham, Egg, And Cheese
by Chris Gethard
Comedian Chris Gethard’s hilarious new surprise album is devoted to the great state of New Jersey, and the great state of New Jersey alone.
go to album
In A Time Of Trouble A Wild Exultation
by Jaye Bartell
A stunning and sparse follow-up to last year's "Light Enough" from Brooklyn songwriter Jaye Bartell.
go to album
